And Then I Know..."
by Xelias
Summary: From Otacon's perspective, what does beginning anew mean? Takes place right after the Otacon ending to MGS. A bizarre mutation between fluff and angst. [Slight language and a small shounen ai warning]


Xel's Notes: My first MGS fic… 9_9 I love Otacon… *heart* This takes place   
immediately following the Otacon ending to MGS. It may flow rather oddly, but I think I   
kind of intended for it to do so. Otacon's an oddball, right? It's only fitting that his   
thoughts be nice and random, too. ^_^ Tiny hints of Otacon/Wolf and *GASP!*   
Otacon/Snake abound, as well as bouncing back and forth between angst and fluff…   
beware… =P Otherwise, enjoy!  
  
  
  
"And Then I Know…"  
  
  
Some people think that to start anew, they have to step on a few necks to   
accomplish such a task. Why do people think they need to hurt each other? It's a haunting   
question, neither rhetorical nor literal. Some will say that it's a way of dealing with   
feelings of aggression, which in turn are the results of chemical reactions in the brain. I   
say it's because they don't think they can do otherwise. Like cornered animals. Like   
cornered wolves.   
The very last thing I need is to think of her right now; broken, bloody body lying   
in the same snowfield that she told her story in. To live through so much pain… She   
was— no, she is the strongest person I've ever met. It's not like she wasn't gentle, either.   
She showed such free love to her dogs. Love that I should have shown to her sooner.  
"You okay?"  
"She's not gone."  
He doesn't know who it is I mean, I'm sure. I don't know which one I mean either.   
We sit in silence for a while.   
"You know…"  
"Hmm?"  
"I… I was afraid once. I always needed something artificial to hide behind when   
my ordinary self threatened to emerge. Something like a stealth suit."  
I think he— Snake, Dave, whatever his name is— actually smiled. He's been   
doing more of that lately. "Or something like a locker."  
He didn't have to go there. Jeez, how embarrassing. "I-it was scary, okay?!"  
Ouch. I think a snowflake just flew into my eye. At least, I hope it was a   
snowflake. Now I remember why I hate snowmobiles. I'm so very, very cold, and my   
coat does nothing for the wind whipping against me. I guess it could be considered a little   
pathetic coming from someone who lived for the past year and a half in Alaska, but the   
sun is setting, and night is never a good time to be outside in the cold.  
He's warm. Unusually so, and he doesn't shiver or seem to be uncomfortable,   
either. But then again, of course he wouldn't be. Far be it for a great man like him to   
succumb to a few degrees below zero. I know that when I first met him, he seemed…   
unreal. Like a character. Big, bad, antisocial antihero. Real mean. Grr, baby.  
"What's so funny?"  
Oops. I don't really think he'd like to hear of my first impression of him… "Oh,   
nothing. It's nothing."  
He jabs me in the stomach with his elbow. "It's not nothing if you're gloomy one   
minute and giggling like a girl the next."   
Girl?! "What do you mean 'like a girl'…?"  
"…Nothing. Now tell me what's amusing you so much."  
"Heh, well, if you really wanna know…"  
An unnecessarily long pause. He sounds a little impatient. "Yeah?"  
Think fast, Hal. "I wanna take you to OtaCon!"  
"Hn."  
Silence. "Wait. What?"  
Okay, so I am giggling like a girl now, but in all fairness, it's mostly in   
celebration of my good cover-up. "OtaCon! It's in Maryland."  
He glowers a little. "…Hnn."  
I can understand his confusion. He's the culturally indifferent type who thinks   
anime is all breasts and guns, if he knows what it is at all. Not to say there doesn't exist   
some fun potential there, but its horizons are far broader than that. He must have assumed   
I was talking about myself.  
But that wouldn't make much sense, now would it?  
"I'm not really Otacon," I shake my head. "I just thought I was. I'm Hal."  
"…Huh?"  
He's so inarticulate sometimes. It seems so illogical when you take his surface   
demeanor into account, doesn't it? "My explanation is this: the name is part of me, in a   
way, but it's not who I really am. It's the same way with you. You're called Solid Snake,   
but you're really David. I've learned it's a bad idea to confuse the two."  
All I can do is shiver. And damn, but he's warm… His shoulders are shaking a   
little, and I hear a soft rumble from in front of him. Now it's my turn to ask that nerve-  
wracking question. "Hey, what's so funny?"  
I can't see his face, but I know he's grinning. Like a wolf. …Dammit. Stop   
thinking, Hal. "You're blushing."  
…I think I'm gonna ignore that. "I-is that your answer?"  
"Possibly."  
I self-consciously try to hide my face. When I was a kid, I blushed a lot, thus   
making me a horrendously easy target to embarrass. It's always the things that suck that   
carry through to adulthood.   
I deliver a muffled reply. "How can you tell?" Embarrassed or not, I can still take   
a scientific interest in it.   
He slows our vehicle down a little. I'm not really sure why, and I don't really   
entertain the thought of staying out in the cold for very much longer, but at least we   
won't have to yell our conversations. "Your body temperature increased somewhat."  
"But you can't be sure I'm blushing…"  
The look on his face is going to haunt me for a long, long time to come. He's way   
too matter-of-fact sometimes...! "Well, in this temperature, it's either that, or you're   
coming on to me."  
"…"  
"Heh…"  
How long have we been driving? Ten minutes? Twenty? An hour? It's hard to   
say. Monotonous times like this make me think more than necessary. Is Wolf happy   
where she is? Is Meryl?   
…Will I be happy when I move on to a new life, too? Our worlds are different,   
though. I'll find my new life here, in the USA somewhere. Maybe Japan. Honestly, I   
would be lying if I said I didn't want it to tie in with Dave's. Theirs will be in the stars.  
I once watched an anime. …No, this one was special. A man had lost his family   
when the enemy overwhelmed their city. Years later, he became a general, and devoted   
himself to destroying those who were responsible for the massacre. But it was really   
those who did nothing to stop it that he hated the most. Bent on revenge, he used   
whatever means he could to convince his superiors to take action, but it did no good. It   
was in the safety of his high position that he finally took matters into his own hands,   
killing many in his search for revenge. When he died, he died believing that he had done   
the right thing. He acknowledged his grievous mistakes, regretting them to no end, but in   
the end, one thing motivated all his efforts: love. The pain inside him far outweighed the   
love, though. Maybe he was afraid to love. Maybe he was afraid that he would lose   
everything again.  
I see Wolf in him. I tried my hardest to show her the love she needed, even if she   
only had enough to give to her dogs. They were the only family she had. But through all   
the killing, through all the times when bitterness was eating away at her, she dared to love   
something. She dared to live her life. And she taught me how to live mine…  
"…Hey."  
I'm leaning against his shoulder now… How'd I get there? His back is wet. So is   
my face— oh, shit. "Yeah…?"  
He actually sounds concerned. "Are you crying?"  
A bit of silence. "…I'm okay."   
He hesitates. "Is it Wolf?"  
"Yeah."  
What comes now? He's going to say something about dealing with it, I bet. He's   
not great when it comes to coping with emotions. Instead, his eyes close tightly for a   
second. I'm a little glad we're driving on flat terrain…   
"Let's live, Hal."  
  
  
  
"…How Fine It Is To Live."  



End file.
